Rotini Carbonara

Sometimes a girl comes home a little drunk.

Sometimes a girl waits for her friend who’s running an hour late at a bar and spends that hour drinking dry Sapphire martinis with a twist, and then has half of a rather anemic tuna sashimi plate for dinner, and sometimes that’s just not gonna cut it.

Sometimes a girl needs to do a little drunk cookin’.

Pasta Carbonara-ish

Oh, god, this is so shameful.  Spaghetti Carbonara is an art form; it’s a delicate and precise balance of ingredients that deserves to be honored.  When it’s done correctly, it’s a perfect simple arrangement of ingredients in harmony – simple home cooking at its finest.  When it’s done incorrectly, you’re a drunken ass who’ll bastardize it ’cause you’re hungry.

Assemble your ingredients.  Chop up 2 large or 3 small cloves of garlic, and slice 2 strips of bacon.  Hate yourself because it’s not pancetta.

Pasta Carbonara 1

Put a pot of water on to boil for the pasta.  Meanwhile, beat an egg, and then stir in a good-sized handful of grated parmesan.  At the very least, I can promise you that this is indeed genuine Parmegiano-Reggiano, and did not come out of anything even slightly resembling a green can.  Nonetheless, I did indeed buy it pre-grated from the supermarket.  Thanks, Treasure Island – you deserve every prop Julia Child ever slid you.

Pasta Carbonara 3

Beat up the egg and parmesan.

Pasta Carbonara 4

Toss a little olive oil into a skillet over high heat, and render out the bacon, which is not pancetta.  OH GOD THE SHAME IT IS TO DIE.

Pasta Carbonara 5

Meanwhile, boil up your pasta.  Oh, shit, this is really so fucking embarrassing – all you have is multicolored vegetable rotini.  Why, that’s not even a little bit the same as classic spaghetti.  Oh, lord.

Pasta Carbonara 6

When it’s done, drain it, but reserve a bit of the pasta water in case you need it later.

Pasta Carbonara 6

When the lardons are pretty much crispy, toss in the garlic and toast it up until fragrant.

Pasta Carbonara 7

Once they’re done, stir in the pasta and toss to coat with the oil and bacon.

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Now.  Kill the heat.  Kill it kill it KILL IT.  This is important.  You want deliciously sauced pasta, not narsty-ass interspersing of pasta and scrambled egg chunks, correct?

Once it stops hissing and steaming at you, gently stir in the egg and cheese.

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Once it’s incorporated, stir in a bit of the pasta water to thin it out if it’s too gluey.  Go slow; remember, you saved plenty (right???) and can always add more.

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You’re looking for a nice even consistency; binding the pasta but not sticking it together like a gluey mess of hellish nasty.

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Stir in a handful of chopped parsley (DRIED!  Oh, drunk cooking is shameful like you have no idea) and several hefty grinds of black pepper.  Now is also the time to add salt, but add carefully and taste first  – remember, this shiz contains a hefty proportion of both parmesan cheese and bacon.

Pasta Carbonara 12

Turn it out onto a plate, et voilà!  You have yoursef a delicious drunken nighttime snack, which – come to think of it – may be worth the giant compromises you had to make in technique so that you wouldn’t have to stagger all drunk and ridiculous through the grocery store.

It was a good decision; nobody likes that shopper.  Anyway, it may be inauthentic, but it’s delicious… so I ask again: Who are you to judge me?

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